Below are the 16 most recent journal entries recorded in Step right up and throw your life away's LiveJournal:

Friday, December 17th, 2004
12:28 am	Well, it was at least a while... I just spent the last hour or so looking over my friends live journals. And mine too, of course. The last entry in them is from almost 2 years ago! Are we all different people now? Are the ideas, the hopes and dreams, the pain and the suffering we experienced back then all just flotsam from the waters of the past? There are things written on these pages I once felt so strongly about, which now occupy nothing more of my time than the 5 seconds it takes to reread them. So who am I? Who was I back then? And for God's sake, WHO AM I? The memories of a few short years ago now seem almost distant, yet the more I think about them the more I want them back. Reliving the past was a bad idea. I was just about finished convincing myself that the present was where it's at, but now I long for a taste of the times when homework was done in class, and responsibilty meant mowing the lawn on the weekends and taking out the trash. The times when all I needed to do for fun was jump on a trampoline with my two best friends. Who knows, maybe it's still all I need. The trampoline is just a memory now, like most of the things in my life that once made me happy. I don't even know why I write this now. What a strange world we live in when journals are meant to be public. Stranger still, that, as much as I want to type just for the fuck of typing, I hold back because no one will ever read this, and no one will ever identify with the nostalgia, curiosity, and confusion I am experiencing. Or even if they did, I would never know about it so there isn't much difference. I may never even read this, aside from watching the text arrange itself from left to right across the screen as I type. I guess I really am through with journals. I don't need to write down my private thoughts just to think about them, thats why I have a brain. Writing down my private thoughts usually just upsets me when I reread them years later, which is case in point. I've never been very good at turning my thoughts into something that is enjoyable to read either... but the sound of the keys doing their clickety keyboard tap-dance is nice. ssfkswthrbdpwmybcoislhhdtenuohdsc;sbfj;bsndf;nsm svsjd wr43wh43236h j jrhskefh popujgfjdf3jfkfjdaqetczpu sdfnjsn3uh4wun jdnfjs;n;3j4n r;sjndfjl ns;d man, if only you could hear how good that sounded. Current Mood: I don't think you care (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, January 26th, 2004
1:29 pm	Well well well.... So here I am, back again to this place after almost a year.. It never ceases to amaze me how completely different the world around me always turns out regardless of my expectations. Looking back, I realize how many emotions I was going through simultaneously in most of those posts, and I have definately changed since then. Instead of worrying about the things I used to, I've become pretty mellow and adopted a policy of total apathy. I accept the fact that the world is doomed, so I'm not going to worry about it anymore. Maybe science will be able to save us, but we've all outgrown this planet. All I worry about is the here and now, and for now I have a lot of work that needs to get done. May it be another (or never) year before I'm back here again. Current Mood: apathetic (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 12th, 2003
10:29 pm	So long pleasant youth... Okay... fuck it. Rather than worry about how I say this, I'm just going to say it as 1) no one will ever read this and 2) I dont have the patience to be a pulitzer prize winning author on live-fucking-journal.com. When the fuck will the american people open their eyes? As a nation we sit on the brink of war for what?! So that we can ensure that our oil prices stay low. I'm 18 now and I guess that leaves me with a couple options. I can a) enlist in the military, playing my luck with the chance that my life may end for a cause I can not even hope to understand, much less support; b) dodge the draft in canada and never set foot on American soil again; c) be a conscious objector and still face the possibility mentioned in part a; or d) go to jail. Just the other day a man was arrested for wearing a shirt that says "give peace a chance" in a shopping mall. As I can see that America is no longer the land of the free, I will (non)respectfully decline active service in her military. If a bunch of selfish, fool hardy morons want to throw their lives away, so be it. The world is already overflowing with stupid: just take a look at any of Bush's entire cabinet or even the American government itself for example. I just wish that people would open their eyes and see that the only way we will ever change anything is through sanctions of peace. War merely sews the seeds of future resentment, not to mention that when this war ends there may not be a field left for said seeds to germinate. The possibility of nuclear war is very real every single day. If one, just one nuclear weapon is used the world will see a swift demise: total nuclear winter. But that doesnt matter when all the lardass politicians have to pay an extra 25 cents to the gallon so that their fucking Lincoln Navigators can continue to squander the world's crude oil supply. I think I will choose previously un-thought-of option e) simply protest this dirty pointless war until I am shot as a traitor. Either way the end result will be the same. The difference lies in whether I choose to be a traitor to my country or a traitor to everything I know to be true about myself and of what is morally right.. I guess I can't pretend that I am morally conscious at all, but war won't solve anything, no matter how you slice it. Current Mood: frustrated (Comment on this)
Monday, October 14th, 2002
8:39 pm	like an angel hovering before me, she was there... At this point I am not absolutely certain that I can craft words to do my feelings any sort of justice... How I feel about her seems so strange after only knowing her for such a short time.. Our first encounter was so magical, like fate... I will always remember Senior Homecoming, 2002. The memory of the darkened sky singed by lightening as I walked adjacent to this beautiful girl, wondering why my luck should deserve to be so grand.. Once in a lifetime (i should think) an experience so magical occurs... I wanted to grab hold of her hands and never let go. After just one night? Why not... buildings crumble and volcanos erupt in a day.. why should my heart be exempt from the rules? I will see you on the flip side, stephanie. (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 28th, 2002
2:04 am	faintest snow keep falling.... WinAmp works. End of story. I am floating face down in a sea of insufferable boredom. The scene is perfect, I am lounging lazily in a reclining computer chair staring at 3 different computer monitors. I have the entire information superhighway at the tips of my senses and yet I have no destination to travel to and no roadmap to get me there. Speaking of destination, what about location? Where am I? Where is anyone? How can we prove that we are anywhere? That we exist at all? You can feel your skin, you can see your reflection in the mirror. Well, you think you see it. The next time you think you are dreaming, consider the fact that maybe dreaming is the closest that you will ever come to living. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 6th, 2002
8:56 pm	Warranty on a broken brain The original appellation of this entry was "Warranty on a broken heart" until I realized that it is much too melodramatic to even relate to me, and this current moniker is much more fitting. I wish I had purchased the extended warranty on my mind because I think it's broken and I can't find the damn instruction manual to fix it. Save me Tech Support! Save meeeee! ~ I have no motivation to work or be successful. Frankly, I can't even find the words to describe how complacent I am about school in general. I think I would like to go rob a bank. Yes, and when I am done I would so humbly give all the money to charitable organizations in hopes that maybe the uneven distribution of wealth in our capitalist society will be one step closer to the realm of equilibrium. At one point in my life, if I were to have a genie my 3 wishes would have been "to be insanely rich" "to be insanely good-looking and popular" "to have a awesome and beautiful girlfriend" I am truly ashamed of these previous yearnings. Now if my genie were to apparate out of thin air I would have far different requests: "absolute and utter freedom from all responsibility to do anything useful with my time" "To be able to spend my life with a girl that i love for her personality, regardles of her looks" "to see the world stop hating and killing itself" Yes, I am a slacker at heart. Hard work can go fuck itself and I'll be damned if I'm going to throw myself off the bridge of hard work to try and add something palpable to this completely fucked up world. Jesus, I feel so weird and moody right now. I guess I am just fed up with the superficial bullshit of the world. Why can't I just be content, like everyone else, with aspirations of superstardom and enormous affluence. Maybe one day I will know what I am searching for in life. Until then, here's to indifference. Current Mood: indifferent (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 5th, 2002
8:21 pm	Stupid Questions! Get your Stupid Questions! 1) Should Vegetarians eat animal crackers? Well, I guess they can as long as they dont buy the "real beef flavor!" ones... 2) Do you find it a bit unnerving doctors call what they do practice? Only if they are practicing on me. 3)If a funeral procession is at night, do you drive with your lights off? I am not even going to grace this malignancy of a idea with a response. 4) If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Well, seeing as how a turtle's spine and spinal cord are attached to the top of the shell, if he doesnt have a shell he is either dead or dying so dead things cant be homeless and therefore he is naked. 5) If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Well, I'm guessing it would just be attempted murder. Unless he tied himself up or strapped a bomb to his own chest demanding the demise of capitalist filth and 50 million quid, I dont think its a hostage situation. 6) When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? I would think that they would have the intelligence and mental prosperity to write SOMETHING on their signs, so people know what the fuck they are protesting. As long as the signs arent made for the company they are protesting against, its ok. 7) When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? Get away as fast as you can. 8) Would a fly without wings be called a walk? No, it would be called a wingless fly you silly fuck. would your mom without a penis be called a woman? no, because she still has balls, so therefore she is just a penisless yourmom. See my point? Current Mood: touched (1 Comment |Comment on this)
7:27 pm	Most days and... Most nights..... Internet lonliness.... Better or worse than real lonliness? on the next Montel. This friday, I will enter the lions den.. walk the gauntlet... fist the emu... slather the chinchilla... Why/How can music exert such a hold over me? It feels as if my very being is chained to a stone wall. I will do anything for this music, the Inquisitor tells me, as I writhe in my shackles. He interrogates me, searching the seas of my eyes for the answers. Answers to what? This friday I will see Owen in the Orpheum; whether or not my job/age allows it. I WILL enter the orpheum that night. I'll see you there. Current Mood: determined (Comment on this)
Monday, January 7th, 2002
10:40 pm	Hello Holden, goodbye sanity I am so goddam depressed right now. I don't even know why. I hate my fucking math class. I hate school. I don't hate my life though.. that was supposed to be the next link in the chain. I don't hate my life because people like Will and Russ and Krystal and Sara are in it. And then my cat goes and fucking sleeps on my clean clothes. That sonuvabitch. She always does that. im gonna fuckin fail that math test, im gonna get a D on my report card, have to fucking take the exam whether im exempting the bitch or not, im gonna let my parents down, im gonna let myself down, and my record is gonna be fucked forever. how the fuck am i gonna major in computer programming when i fuck up calculus. its like my whole fucking life has gone to shit in a handbag in one night. Before I know it, i feel better, my friends cheer me up, my old cat goes to sleep on the clothes, and I feel like it was worth the sacrifice to make her comfy, and I just feel like crying. I wanna cry so loud and so hard. And I dont have any reason. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, December 21st, 2001
12:10 am	Tonight; The Greatest Night of My Life... Today, my band Todd Goes Places (http://shadesofblue.50megs.com) performed at the East Like High School Battle of Bands along with 5 other groups. The overall experience was incredible, and after overcoming my initial nervousness, I had the time of my life playing for the crowd. They really got into our music, more than any other band. We took home the title of 2nd place, and Adam the other guitarist got the prize for best vocals, so in grand total we walked out with a free t-shirt, a bunch of free stickers, and $135 in gift certificates, $75 of which is for Sam Ash. To top the night off, I dropped Krystal off and just stood holding her in my arms for about 30 minutes, but time just stood still for me. We have made our relationship official, even though I did not want to ruin our relationship with the superficiality of being an "item". I could not be happier, though. If I had to sum tonight up, it would register under "those nights that are so profound that they seem surreal. Was I dreaming?" But I wasn't, at least I hope I wasn't. If I was or still am, please never let me wake..... Current Mood: loved (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 18th, 2001
5:59 pm	Right now I should be pouring my energy into composing a thousand word essay on media coverage of the vietnam war. Instead I am sitting slouched in my computer chair, writing a thousand words on how I feel.. I am so sickened by the hypocricy of school that I can hardly bring myself to try anymore. We spend all day cramped up in a little room learning useless facts that relate in no way to our lives. We then return home and perform tedius and menial tasks to continue our "education." The engine is further propelled when we grow old and forget those useless facts we once reveled in, only to die bitter, wishing our lives had been better spent. What knowledge we had gained is thus lost anyway. My mind returns to my situation, Brook IM's me asking me about the paper, I answer, untouched in any way by the seriousness of the situation. Serious if a little letter on a piece of paper means the world to you. While they judge my intelligence, I am left to ponder on how a thing as profound as intelligence can be rightfully and effectively judged. After the epiphanies I attain on the subject, I then revert to my stressed manner and serious mindset, wishing I could be someone else or some place else, away from my work and responsibilities. Current Mood: apathetic (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 16th, 2001
5:09 pm	A mime is a terrible thing to waste. A man once asked me, "what do you value more?" I humbly replied, "yes?" And he reiterated, "what do you value more?" "more than what?????" was my reply. "whoops, sorry, forgot to give you the choices. My bad," he added. A look of consternation creeping upon my features, I wondered when he'd get to the fucking point. "yes, where were we... ah yes, do you value life-long prosperity or happiness more?" Having considered this prospect before, I volunteered my usual answer. "Happiness, of course." I replied. "ah!" he said. "But bear in mind, life-long prosperity would be a continuous gift, while happiness may only last you a few days' time." By this time I had pulled down my pants and begun to furiously whack my scrotum. So annoyed was I, by this vagrant's inquiries, that I was having a difficult time containing myself. "Correct you may be," I continued, "but happiness, no matter how brief, is a gift of more stature than all the fucking money in the world." The point of this conversation is that I would rather that man have been a mime than have to endure his idiotic conversation and henceforth bruise my ballsack. Current Mood: drained (Comment on this)
Monday, December 10th, 2001
10:00 pm	I love you Keith, I love you dearly. once upon a rat, a man sat on a baseball bat. He ate the rat swallowed the bat and that was that. He then went to the city of yarks and ate a 10 foot sockfold of butter sauce. When finshed with that he departed, farted and chuckled his way along the east coast west riversea. Paddleing along he stumbled upon a sac full of sacs. He said to himself what can i do with a sac full of sacs. And he knew right away...I will put it on my hump and fall a big jump home. He did this and landed in transexualvania. He then died and was a happy sqiurrel for the rest of his dead life. until......... Current Mood: hopeful (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 5th, 2001
9:51 pm	.... and that goes for Society and oil, you nincompoop. Why is it that some people are so caught up in sexual relations? Frankly it fills me with a sense of indignation so complete that I feel the necessity to urinate onto the face of all that is unholy. My feelings for someone special are not interpolated with sexual desire. I only follow my true feelings for someone, and yet I am the minority in a society laden with youthful automatons who follow a strict set of rules to "fit in" to said society. Who makes up the rules? The robots themselves. Therefore society is a cycle comparable to the spinning gears in the androids that conceive it. Un-oiled and ill fitting, I fell from that gear-cycle long ago. Thank god there was only so much of it to go around. Current Mood: aggravated (Comment on this)
8:54 pm	It's the toenails that really hurt...... One little freckled frog sitting on a speckled log, Eating the most delicious flies, Yum, Yum! She jumped into the pool, where it was nice and cool, Now there's no freckled frogs. Current Mood: amused (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 4th, 2001
5:38 pm	Prologue Hello, and welcome to my portal of digital blasphemy. After a modest excavation of my feelings on the world, I have decided to create this tiny niche in the heart of cyberspace. Although I am pressed for time right now, I will do my best to bestow upon you a brief introduction to the gutter at the end of the universe that is this place. It exists not to bring any relevant news to you, the end user, or to provide a place of tranquility on the already disheveled internet. Instead I hope that I have found a bucket to expell my feelings into. You may gaze at the contents of this bucket, but the contents will not always be pretty. Now I'm feeling much to melodramatic to continue this post, as I should be happy and excited. That will be the story of the ensuing post. Current Mood: calm (1 Comment |Comment on this)